BEAVERTON, OR- In response to President Obama being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize last Friday, Nike has changed its iconic “Just Do It.” tagline to “Just Say It.”
“Our brand’s messaging must ring true to the times,” said Mark Parker, Nike’s president and chief executive. “‘Saying it’ has become more important than ‘doing it.’ We aren’t above adapting to shifts in societal values and benchmarks of success [involving Obama].” Parker also did not rule out product changes, such as redesigning footwear to maximize comfort while standing in place and sitting down.
Launched in 1988, “Just Do It.” became internationally synonymous with the brand’s results-oriented lifestyle, and, as a result, one of the most celebrated taglines of the 20th Century.
“It took one man and less than nine months to make a universal phrase, let alone a legendary brand’s identity, seem antiquated,” said John Vine, a Boston-based brand consultant. “This is a testament to Obama’s legacy. I guarantee this move has countless brands reevaluating their marketing strategies. Nothing is above the influence.”
In case you’re not following the Department of Health on Twitter, April is “STD Awareness Month.” With Obama’s call for public service still resonating, I knew I must further promote the efforts to thwart spreading promiscuity’s souvenirs in an engaging and less awkward way than your pediatrician explaining condom use (A detailed sketch artist).
These parameters led me to combine two of society’s most beloved past times: judging strangers and March Madness brackets. In the spirit of McCarthyism, I used second-hand knowledge and speculation to identify 32 public figures as walking STD banks.
Like our nation’s financial services companies infesting the stock market with mortgage-backed securities, these individuals are using their status to flood the sexual marketplace with their dirty assets that circulate faster than a video of a seven year-old on analgesic drugs trying to ride a puggle (Puts “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” into a new perspective). Let’s crown the dirtiest of the dirty!
We protect ourselves against disease, unexpected pregnancy, and Vin Diesel movies. But what about mobile communication calamities? The Bad Decision Blocker app is your first line of defense against making socially and professionally crippling accidents and decisions with your iPhone.
The Bad Decision Blocker- “Protecting You from Yourself.”
In what must be an effort to appeal to the disenchanted poetry jammer in all of us, premium coffee brands conjure up whimsical, arcane descriptions providing us with no real understanding of what the coffee tastes like. Whatever happened to “tastes like burnt cardboard?”
Coffee: Breakfast Blend Decaf Description: “Bright, sweet, and engaging.” WCMA Comments: Ann Coulter in liquid form.
Coffee: Decaf Sumatra Description: ”It’s a full-bodied, but gentle-spirited heavyweight.” WCMA Comments:I’ve been trying to capture George Foreman’s essence for decades.
Coffee:Garuda Blend Description: ”Nutty, aromatic, and slightly earthy.” WCMA Comments:“Slightly earthy”- just an excuse for not properly cleaning the beans.
Coffee: Colombia Description:“This Colombian coffee is the perfect beginner’s coffee with its mellow, clean character.” WCMA Comments: The “advanced” blend’s character is edgy and deplorable- infusing cocaine and marijuana with a heavenly dash of extortion. (Check your Keurig before brewing- it may be bugged by the CIA.)
Coffee: Breakfast Blend Description: “What you get is a nice, clean taste with a sunny disposition.” WCMA Comments: Like licking a recently showered Mary Poppins.
Coffee: Komodo Dragon Description: “Bold and surprisingly snappy” WCMA Comments: Those aren’t coffee grounds, they’re Sophia Petrillo’s remains!
Coffee: Daybreak Blend Description: ”Unassuming and cheering” WCMA Comments: A bipolar soccer mom.Don’t forget todrizzle with Abilify- magnifico!
Coffee: Sulawesi-Kalosi Description: ”A rare coffee with unusual depth and complexity.” WCMA Comments:Jessica Simpson with Maya Angelou’s brain.
Coffee: Cafe Estima Blend Description: “well-balanced…with great versatility” WCMA Comments: So is my gray cotton-cashmere sweater…
Coffee: 10% Kona Coffee Blend Description: “Smooth & graceful” WCMA Comments: Clearly plagiarizing Brian Boitano’s review of “Yanni On Ice.”
**The Bonus (You’re welcome):
Coffee: Dark Magic- Extra Bold Description: ”Exudes spellbinding complexity” WCMA Comments: Also the evil sorcerer’s name in the upcoming fantasy thriller: Tyler Perry’s Madea and the Goblet of Kool-Aid.
This is the first rant for what will hopefully be a humorous, recurring segment on anything that “chaps my ass.” (I assure you this will almost always be in the figurative sense.)
